14 December 2009

time since... 19 months

Thanksgiving was fun. We made scrumptious food... way too much. My sister out did herself as hostess. My sons are pretty awesome through her sons eyes. The youngest two picked their favorites. It was action and noise all weekend long. A game of football took place before dinner with the neighbors, we lost the potatoes and had to sneak in a quick trip to the grocery to tag in some replacements. Darren actually ate the sweet variety, first time... and more than one serving. I attempted a recipe that called for Gruyere cheese and not marshmallows and it was oh so nice. After dinner and before pie we all hopped in the car and went to Seal Beach Pier to "walk it off" The colors were kodachrome as the sun went down and Catalina was so clear, looming on the horizon it seemed you could walk right on over. We played in the sand, the young boys jumping, rolling, running with abandon. Dad took a thousand pictures. We were lighthearted, escaping the heaviness that sometimes settles in with the holidays.

Three days later my little sis calls. It's her birthday and her husband forgot in the morning. She tried to blow it off. I know how living with only men can be. Not to be rude but I'm certain it is genetic for the other half to be self-absorbed. She never gets a break. Do you see the pictures up there? That is how it is for hours a day at her house... wild little creatures... now turn up the volume... escalation... whoa. I love those boys; when I'm not around them I ache, but they are as my grandma Hazel used to call my sisters and I, "little buggers." They had sang happy happy birthday to her, but she was hurting, not because of her husbands slight, but because my little sis, probably the closest and most dependent on my mom, missed her mother deeply on this the day of days the one when she was born. She cried heavy, heavy sobs. Couldn't get through the phone line to hold her. Can't take the place of her mother. How? Why? How? Why? There are no satisfactory answers at this moment. I'm figuring them out moment by graceful, ungraceful moment. Crazy, but our lives are incredibly full.


karen gerstenberger said...

Please tell your sister that I'm sending my love. As a mother whose daughter has gone on ahead, it hurts me to think of you daughters whose mother has gone on ahead. No one and nothing can replace those precious souls in our lives.
Grace and "ungraceful" is the truth of it - you said it - & I think grace is helping us through the days...as you say, there is so much goodness filling our lives, at the same time as there is this awful pain. I am so very sorry for the passing of a woman who was such a wonderful mother.

Sara Jane said...

It's amazing that Aunt Saundra's death still feels so recent at times. You guys have been on my mind a lot lately. I think now that things have settled with Russell I have had time to just think about Aunt Saundra. I have cried a few times.I didn't get an email or a phone call checking in on me wanting to know the details of the delivery. No flannel blanket in the mail from her. I think those things were such meaningful signs of someone that truly cared for me and was interested in me. I feel sad that I've lost her and know that your sadness is a thousand times greater than mine. Glad that Thanksgiving was good and I hope that Christmas is a good, happy one. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jen said...

Thank you for that De. I did have a good cry that day, just missing the morning birthday call from Mom. She just had a way of making things special. I miss her hands and the hugs I would get when she would come and visit. Those hugs that she would squeeze so tight and you would not want to let her go. I miss her salt and pepper hair and her soft voice. Some days I do not know how to make it through I am so sad. I sometimes wonder if my life will always be like this, yearning for her to be back every second of every day. You are right, I miss her terribly.
Love you and thanks for everything you have done for me. You bring so much of Mom with you when you visit. I have so enjoyed getting to know you. We have more in common then we ever thought and I think we really relate to each other. I love having you as my sister. Love, Jen