20 February 2010

time since...21 months

Darren's Hobble Creek Restoration: new life

I measure time by the day it happened. I say to myself, she has three months left. Did I smile with her that time? Did she run her fingers through my hair? Did she look at my children with that awe that was hers alone? Was I angry that day? I get stuck. I wrap my heart gently in brightly colored cloth. Protection. A happy outside image. Some days I let the rawness peak out from that gentle cover. Emotion. I feel you. It is tender. I ponder what the dialogue is for dad. Wrap it up tight. How could it possibly happen? Accident. It is a slicing word. Go back. How are you physically present one moment and then gone? Where did you go? I still hear your voice. You are so close. Stay. While I figure it out one more time, and then another, and yet another.

6 comments:

Henke Family said...

Those are some pretty amazing words to express your feelings. I wonder if I could ever use words to express myself that way. I think you are so talented to be able to find the perfect words to describe a feeling or emotion.
I can't even begin to understand what you may be feeling, or will feel...probably until you reach the other side and get to have a glorious reunion with her, but my heart goes out to you. The words you choose to express your feelings tug on my heart strings and help me feel a piece of your heart.
Love you Aunt DeAnn

AnnDeO said...

Thank you Bossy. Your comment means a lot. Some days you just feel a little more emotional than others.

karen gerstenberger said...

I am so sorry for your loss; that pain is so raw and fresh. There is only one mother, and there is no one quite like her.
God bless your aching heart.

Jen said...

Thanks a lot for writing that. I could barely read because my tears kept blurring my vision. I miss her so much I just want to crawl in a hole and let time go by. I measure everything from that day in May also. I find myself telling strangers about milestones and add "when we lost my Mom" in nearly every conversation. I cannot even imagine how Dad feels - lonely, scared, guilt, sadness, blame. I do not know how he does it, but he is doing it. He just needs to try and live the life he has left - make the most of it. I have a hard time trying to make life go on without her. I am not quite sure how things are supposed to go and I find myself spinning my wheels not knowing what to do next. Thanks for being there for me and the boys. You have really filled a void that appeared when Mom left. Love you, Jen

Tamara Jacobs said...

beautiful words.
i miss her a lot too.

usual-daily-life said...

Beautiful picture!!

Good blog.

...my blog:
http://usual-daily-life-and-a-photograph.blogspot.com/