sweet & tenacious

I do have to say that I am a bit bitter after finishing my degree. Some of you may be confused, as I walked through graduation last year, but I still had revisions on my paper. Due to the sudden and unexpected death of my mother I was unable to finish those revisions in time and took an exemption for late completion. Meanwhile, our department installed its third department head in four years. Upheaval is an understatement. I have taught and filled in when any professor left or didn't want to teach a class. I usually was given the classes that were taught after 3:00 as others wanted to get home to their families. I worked hard and I loved it... but this year has been different. I struggled with egos and hierarchy within the system and was told several times, just don't say anything. Well, me being me, I can't keep quiet and a few heated discussions ensued. I did finish my requirements for receiving my diploma, but at this point, the restrictions, revisions, name-calling and overall bad form have made me wonder if it was worth it. I can honestly say I do not deserve to be treated in this manner, really no one does. My world felt very small and confined until April 18th when I decided to venture to SLC and take a chance on hearing and seeing Wangari Maathai, the first black female Nobel Laureate. I was not disappointed. Terry Tempest Williams introduced her as fierce and compassionate. After hearing her speak, my descriptive words were sweet and tenacious. She possesses the most amazing smile, inner calmness and patience... but you can feel that she will not be silenced, that she will keep on expressing her voice until it is finally heard. She loves. As TTW said, she expresses hope in the power of a seed... she started the Greenbelt Movement in Kenya... planting trees one at a time to change the world. She spoke about environmental degradation and how this is what is affecting most women in poverty in the world -- no access to clean drinking water -- my heart flushes when I hear this -- it should be a fundamental right for all people. She spoke of those in power who get used to the perks and luxuries of such a position and how they become the most dangerous as they are the most vulnerable to corruption. She listed a few things that we in the US can insist on in our quest to not forget Africa. Be engaged, keep speaking out, insist on good business practices and of course human rights and "We must not abandon Africa to China." She told of how she learned the 3Rs in the US -- Reduce, Reuse, Recycle and how she has added her own -- RESPECT [do not waste; show gratitude]. She was wearing a lovely beaded hummingbird brooch given to her by TTW. She told a story about the hummingbird, how during a raging forest fire all the animals were rushing out of the woods, bewildered and scared, the hummingbird kept going to the river sipping drops of water, flying back to the inferno to let the tiny bead of liquid fall into the flames, all the while thinking that this drop might make the difference. When confronted and made fun of by the other creatures the hummingbird replied, "I'm doing the best I can." And that, among all the other wise and profound thoughts she expressed was what I held to most, I want to be caught doing the best I can.

Note: I was privileged to be introduced to TTW afterwards. I told her about my paper, Interior Ecology and she said it was a beautiful phrase. I explained further research I would like to do, inspired by her writing and she said to email her. She held her hand out to me and said it was an honor to meet me. So maybe the obstacles placed in my way have not been for naught afterall. My heart is full.

biodiversity

Since biodiversity of ecosystems is a prominent section in my paper and I, of late, have an extreme distrust of tractors and machinery, this ad by Olgilvy in Germany caught my eye. Deceptively innocent with its "Mike Mulliganesque" illustrations.

(image via here)

what a long strange trip it's been

Above is a figure I made for my paper showing the human, natural, and economic resources needed to attain sustainability - if you don't get what I mean you'll have to wait and read the book - it's being bound at the library this moment.

It is done! It is done! It is done! ... and all will be well, and all will be well and all manner of things will be well! (I hope) I have pulled four all-nighters in the last 10 days (plus keeping up with teaching all my classes - planning the year-end bbq - research projects etc.) -- I wasn't sure it was worth it, but there is a slight glimmer of satisfaction starting to fill my heart.

Title: Interior Ecology: Developing a Design Methodology for Space Planning Using Principles of Sustainability and Ecosystem Models

Dedication: To my mother, Saundra Stephens Toole, I am so sorry I lost you before you could witness the final project. Mom Forever.

Acknowledgments: Completing this degree has been part of a demanding but rewarding journey. There are numerous individuals that I am indebted to. From the beginning Steve Mansfield has provided generous encouragement, competent educational and design skills, a listening ear, and an example of brilliant character. Carol Nicholas has continually forged a path through the impossible that I try to remember to follow. Much appreciation goes to a man of incredible integrity, creativity and enthusiasm, Dusty Wickham, my office partner, for tolerating my many distractions and obsessions, to Darrin Brooks whose limitless energy and passion for design are legendary, and to Sandra Turner for her kind compliments and hard-work making this paper look good. To Robert, Carolyn and Sue: thank you. To Jenny and Angus and the promise of meeting in a pub in Sydney when this endeavor was completed -- I'm privileged to have such great friends.

And most importantly to my family... to my father Doug Toole who never doubted that I could do this, and for time that otherwise would have been yours, my deepest gratitude goes to Chase and Land, and to Darren, the person who supported this adventure more than anyone else; it is you that has sustained me.

time since... eleven months

A familiar view, approaching Henefer; Grandpa's mountain in the background. I remember approaching the town once with my mom. She looking at the mountain and saying, "of all the places in the world, how was I born right here?" And I ask now, "of all the places in the world how did she die right here?" She loved her home. Memories of climbing the hill imprinted thick and solid. Dallen and Kimberly and I rolling boulders off of the train side in the canyon anticipating the split-rock deafening crash. We would also lay under the train bridge as it crossed the slough, tuck up close holding on to each other, wait for the train. As it barrelled over us, the bridge bowing inches away from our faces we would let out this primitive scream still holding tight. For all three of us, even now, lying under the train made us feel most alive. It is Easter this Sunday. We will go visit Grandpa, 91 years old. He hosts an "Easter egg roll" each year, but it is a misnomer as everyone knows in the Stephens clan. We throw the eggs at each other. The oldest cousins decked out in helmets and garbage can lids to defend against the onslaught. Easter was my mother's favorite holiday. Last year was the last family gathering we spent with her. It was a great day. She threw snow at the grandkids while they searched for hidden eggs. I don't know why these festive activities have a hint of aggression, but through it all we learned to hold on tight -- to each other. Oh I miss her. I dream of her helping me with babies. I hear her laugh and her fingernails clicking on the table and running through my hair. I keep repeating a phrase from a Carl Sandburg poem...

heavy heavy is love to carry
and light as one rose petal,
light as a bubble, a blossom,
or a finger or a wisp of hair
never forgotten

Happy Easter Mom - Love Nanner

Easter is Approaching...

drawing via Alex Noriega

I love the sentiment of this sketch. I have been putting in long hours on campus finishing my paper so I can finally get my degree. The sophomores have finished their museum project and are getting letters today about how their portfolio review went. It is stressful to be their instructor during this time, they all work so hard. So today Dusty and Carol and I sat in her office and talked about the world and listened to music and sang along badly and laughed really hard and had a grand ole time, just like the old days... hmmm.... it wasn't that long ago we would do this all the time but we are all so frenetic this time around.